100% Natural Family

A critical part of having a happy family is a healthy respect for human life, for our bodies, and freedom from addiction and addictive behavior. Experimentation with drugs of any kind is NOT ok, and is not a normal part of being a teenager. Experimentation with these types of things does not have a good track record in producing healthy happy people. The same goes for ‘less harmful’ legal substances like prescription drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or indulgence in any other thing that causes dependency.
FREEDOM is a huge part of being happy. Why use something that can take away our freedom of choice and cause us to become dependant? I believe that we all understand the dangers of drug and alcohol addiction, and the ravages it brings to families world wide. These are among the more obvious dependency forming substances and cause the most deaths combined, both directly and indirectly than any other thing know to man. Why should we EVER make any concessions of ANY kind when it comes to the use of drugs and alcohol?

On the same token, experimentation with illicit sex or sexual material of any kind is NOT ok, and is not a normal part of being a teenager, and it is not a normal part of being male. Experimentation with these types of things does not have a good track record in producing healthy happy people. Illicit sex with multiple partners is known to cause many different types of painful and incurable diseases, and behavioral problems that can permanently cripple a person’s ability to have a healthy intimate relationship.

A more subtle and deceptive argument is that sex is a natural and normal part of life, and so we should be able to indulge in as much of it as we like, and that because pornography is just a picture, you cannot get a disease by simply looking. Sex is a natural and normal part of life, but research has shown pornography to be just as addictive as drugs like heroin. The difference is that once the images are in the brain, they can be instantly recalled at any moment, and can never be completely erased or ‘detoxed.’ Pornography may not be able to give you an STD in the ‘traditional’ sense, but it can cause mental illness ranging from mild personality disorder to obsessive/compulsive and predatory sexual behaviors.

Others argue that pornographic images can be used as educational material for couples who want to enhance their sex life or who a more exciting sexual relationship. The problem with this argument is that this is like trying to learn collegiate wrestling from the WWE Smackdown. Pornographic movies or images do not portray realistic sexual activity between loving married couples. They display only the sexual side of the act and none of the emotional exchange. They debase the participants by reducing sexual intimacy to the act of sex, objectifying human beings. In his testimony at the May 19, 2005 summit on pornography and violence against women and children, Daniel Weis pointed out that “pornography turns people into commodities. Men and women become sexual objects to be bought, sold, used and discarded. The last time the United States recognized human beings as consumer goods, it took a civil war to end it.”

When a man begins to see his wife as an object, bad things begin to happen to their marital relationship, whether she knows about his use of pornography or not. The fact is that pornography can destroy a marriage without the wife ever knowing anything about her husband’s use of it, because pornography causes several significant behavioral changes in those who view it. Let me illustrate how this can happen:

First of all, there is a seed of anger planted because of the simple fact that pornographic depictions of sex are unrealistic; creating sexual expectations or fantasies that cannot be met. The husband who views pornographic images looses his ability to be satisfied sexually in his marriage relationship because of his desire to fulfill an unrealistic sexual fantasy. He will often become obsessed with sex as it is displayed in the images and try to pressure his spouse into sexual activities that she either cannot duplicate or that are uncomfortable or distasteful to her. Because he has objectified her, he may have little regard for her feelings, and become angry with her when she does not wish to participate even if her participation causes pain or injury to her. If she does participate he soon loses interest and moves on to another sexual fantasy.

Husbands who look at pornography also become more and more critical of their wives. Because they are dealing with feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and self loathing, rather than stop the behavior, they will try to place blame on the wife for her imperfections. If she weren’t overweight, unattractive, nagging, etc., then they would not feel the need to look at pornographic material. The imperfections in his wife’s body will be magnified when compared to the airbrushed images of a pornographic model. He will become more and more irritable and less patient and loving. His outlook will become more and more selfish as his focus shifts to obtaining an unattainable sexual fantasy.

He will spend more and more time on the computer and less and less time with his wife and children. He will become more secretive and demand more privacy. He will be defensive and get angry and possibly even violent if you question him about what he is looking at on the computer. In his article Dealing with Internet Addiction, Stephen O. Watters cites Dr. Kimberly Young, a pioneer in Internet addiction research. If you suspect pornography addiction, “she encourages spouses to look for changes in sleep patterns, demands for privacy, evidence of lying, personality changes, a loss of interest in sex and a declining investment in your relationship. One way to determine if your spouse’s activity is drifting off into inappropriate areas is to simply ask them, “What are you doing while you are online?” If they seem defensive or deceptive, you may want to get a more accurate idea by reviewing the history files on your browser.”

Other things to look for are if he password protects his computer and is reluctant to tell you the password, or only gives it to you after he has had a chance to erase any incriminating evidence; he may carry external storage devices with him, such as an extra hard drive, an ipod, a thumb drive, digital camera with a removable storage card, or other external mass storage device, even if he doesn’t need them for work. He may spend more time after work, coming home later and later than usual, or he may even go in to work earlier. He may lose interest in intimacy, or he may have a sudden increase in sexual desire.

You may notice an excess of spyware, malware, or virus infection on the computer, where the computer’s internet connection may seem slow or bogged down, and/or you may be inundated with all kinds of advertising pop-ups for sexually related products, virus protection software, gaming sites, gambling, or even pornographic websites while you are online.

If he isn’t very computer savvy, you can check the history in the browser, but often he is skilled at covering his tracks, using browsers that do not cache images, such as Firefox, or he may install some type of shredder that completely destroys any evidence of his browsing habits. You may find folders containing hundreds of boring images, the same image over and over again, or even just black squares with added noise. These could be encrypted files masking other files, images, or even movies.

If pornography continues to affect him in this way, it WILL destroy the marriage and if you want your marriage to last, you need to get help FAST! He may eventually have an extramarital affair, but not necessarily. The wife may never be able to quite put her finger exactly on what went wrong, and she may blame herself for the failure of the marriage because from her perspective, he simply lost interest in her and nothing she ever did was ever good enough, she was never perfect enough, never able to satisfy some need that he had.

But pornography is more than just a silent destroyer of marriages. According to Daniel Weis, “pornography is also a significant factor in sexual violence. The FBI reports that the most common interest among serial killers is hardcore pornography. Another study found that 87 percent of child molesters were regular consumers of hardcore pornography.” Ted Bundy admitted that pornography fueled the fire that led him to murder several women. Pornography creates serial killers, rapists, child predators, and sexual deviants. The earlier in life that a child is exposed to pornography, the more likely it is that he will have sexual problems as a result of pornography.
According to Pornography’s Impact on Marriage & the Family by Jill C. Manning

“The research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends, among others:

• Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce
• Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction
• Infidelity
• Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal or unsafe practices
• Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing
• An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior.

“These trends reflect a cluster of symptoms that undermine the foundation upon which successful marriages and families are established. While the marital bond may be the most vulnerable relationship to Internet pornography, children and adolescents are the most vulnerable audience. When a child lives in a home where an adult is consuming pornography, he or she encounters the following four risks:

• Decreased parental time and attention
• Increased risk of encountering pornographic material
• Increased risk of parental separation and divorce and
• Increased risk of parental job loss and financial strain

“When a child or adolescent is directly exposed the following effects have been documented:

• Lasting negative or traumatic emotional responses
• Earlier onset of first sexual intercourse, thereby increasing the risk of STD’s over the lifespan
• The belief that superior sexual satisfaction is attainable without having affection for one’s partner, thereby reinforcing the commoditization of sex and the objectification of humans
• The belief that being married or having a family are unattractive prospects
• Increased risk for developing sexual compulsions and addictive behavior
• Increased risk of exposure to incorrect information about human sexuality long before a minor is able to contextualize this information in ways an adult brain could
• Overestimating the prevalence of less common practices (e.g., group sex, bestiality, or sadomasochistic activity)

Pornography addiction, just like any other addiction, devalues human life and promotes self serving behavior. A person who is selfish and who does not value his own life, or the lives of those around him cannot be happy. There is no place for pornography in a healthy happy family life.

Some other more subtle things that can cause addictive behaviors and unhappiness in family life are excessive computer use, gaming, and television viewing. While not necessarily bad activities, these need to be limited, as research shows that excessive amounts of these activities can lead to patterns of addictive or antisocial behavior and excessive violence, insecurity, or depression. According to How TV affects your Child in KidsHealth, “in one year, the average child spends 1,023 hours in front of a TV.” That is 4 or more hours a day, or most of the remaining time after school. “despite its advantages, too much television can be detrimental:

• Research has shown that children who consistently spend more than 4 hours per day watching TV are more likely to be overweight
• Kids who view violent events, such as a kidnapping or murder, are also more likely to believe that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them.
• Research also indicates that TV consistently reinforces gender-role and racial stereotypes.

About television violence, the article states “the average American child will witness 200,000 violent acts on television by age 18.” And that “many violent acts are perpetrated by the ‘good guys,’ whom children have been taught to emulate.” This gives a skewed perception that problems can be solved through violence, and even if you teach your children not to hit, the TV is telling them it is ok to hit “if you’re the ‘good guy.’” See the link to the article below for more information on this, and tips and tricks for limiting your kid’s viewing time.

As far as video games go, I strongly discourage them with my children. Devices like game boys, and game consoles such as the X-Box and the Nintendo Game Cube bring out addictive behavior problems with my boys even with playing as little as a few minutes a day. For some reason, my daughter doesn’t have this problem with video games, and research verifies that this is more of a problem for boys than it is for girls. There is so much we do not know about human development, and I feel like this is one that falls into the category of “it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

According to CBS news article Detox For Video Game Addiction? Experts Say Gaming Can Be A Compulsion As Strong As Gambling, “too much gaming may seem relatively harmless compared with the dangers of a drug overdose, but Bakker [Keith Bakker, certified interventionist; and director, Smith & Jones Addiction Consultants] says video game addiction can ruin lives. Children who play four to five hours per day have no time for socializing, doing homework, or playing sports, he says. “That takes away from normal social development. You can get a 21-year-old with the emotional intelligence of a 12-year-old. He’s never learned to talk to girls. He’s never learned to play a sport.”

“In older addicts, compulsive gaming can jeopardize jobs or relationships. Howard, a 33-year-old project manager who asked to be identified only by his first name, started playing an online role-playing game about six months ago. He plays for three to four hours almost every day — more on weekends — occasionally putting off meals or sleep.”

Kimberly Young, PsyD, clinical director, Center for On-Line Addiction; professor of psychology recommends that parents watch their kids for signs of video game addiction, carefully observing their reactions to limiting gaming time and problems that result from video gaming. If they object to limits and constantly obsess over when they can play to the point that they can’t think of anything else, they may be addicted to video games.

Keith Bakker states that “because video game addicts can’t avoid computers, they have to learn to use them responsibly. Bakker says that means no gaming. As for limiting game time to an hour a day, he compares that to ‘an alcoholic saying he’s only going to drink beer.’” If your kid is an addict, you may need to take steps to eliminate video games from your home. Get your kids out of the house and expose them to lots of fun, healthy activities, such as geocaching, sports, art, photography, or other physically active or mentally creative activities.

Whatever choices you make, the most important thing to remember is that human life is a gift, our bodies are special, and if we want to be happy, we need to respect that. Human beings are more than commodities, and we need to keep ourselves free from addictions of any kind or behaviors that depreciate the value of human life. This is a critical part of happiness and if we are truly seeking a happy family then this is an absolute must!

For Further Reading:

Drug Abuse and Addiction: Understanding the Signs, Symptoms, and Effects at HelpGuide.org

Talking to Your Child About Pornography at focusonyourchild.com

Talking to Youth about Pornography By Dan Gray, Licensed clinical social worker

The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research by Jill C. Manning, M.S.

Pornography: Harmless Fun or Public Health Hazard? Testimony by Daniel Weiss at the May 19, 2005 summit on pornography and violence against women and children.

How TV Affects Your Child at KidsHealth.org

Detox For Video Game Addiction? Experts Say Gaming Can Be A Compulsion As Strong As Gambling by Sherry Rauh, CBS News, Web MD

We sit at the table for meal times. We do not eat TV dinners, and we rarely ever eat prepared, out of the box, or canned foods. I prepare healthy whole foods from scratch for most meals. I understand there are times that this can’t happen, but that is the exception rather than the norm. I don’t believe that eating pizza or other fast food once in a while will kill you, on the other hand, studies done by the Weston Price Foundation indicate a diet of refined flour, sugar and other processed foods on a daily basis WILL kill you, and faster than you might think. In fact, I would assert that an everyday diet of corndogs, macaroni and cheese out of the box, pizza, and hamburgers are worse for you than smoking and alcohol consumption.

In Papua New Guinea before the advancement of modern society brought processed foods to that area, when people still ate a natural diet, even though almost the entire population were heavy smokers, (and most began smoking as children) modern diseases were relatively rare, even diseases that modern medicine associates with smoking. It wasn’t until after the structure of society changed to include modern convenience foods that this changed. Now, what does that tell you? I am certainly not promoting smoking or saying that it is ok, especially with modern cigarettes and all the additives in the tobacco – which are as far away you can get from a natural substance as you can get after starting out with a plant. Imagine how much more healthy they would have been without the tobacco. (I will talk more about this in step 5)

The main thing I want to address in this article is the proven benefit of eating together around the table for mealtimes, without the distraction of the television or radio. When families eat together, it gives parents a chance to talk to their kids about what is going on in their lives and provides a natural setting for discussions on things happening in the news, drug awareness, stranger danger, or any number of other topics that might have an impact on your family.

When a parent takes the time to prepare wholesome food, I also believe (even though they may not show it) kids see that as an expression of love. Instead of opening a can of Spaghetti O’s, slopping it into a bowl, and then throwing it in the microwave and leaving them to eat alone in front of the TV set while you munch on something in front of your computer, consider taking an active interest in your family by talking with them as you all sit around the dinner table. This is a great way to get to know your kids. You might be surprised (maybe not) at what can come up at the table.

According to research done on the subject, in their article Correlations Between Family Meals and Psychosocial Well-being Among Adolescents, (see section at the end for further reading) “young people whose families routinely eat meals together spend more time on homework and reading for pleasure. Frequent family meals have also been related to better nutritional intake and a decreased risk for unhealthy weight control practices, substance use, sexual intercourse, and suicidal involvement.”

Also, in a report written by Sandy Procter, PhD, RD, LD for the Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service entitled Everyone to the Table: Family Meals Serve Us Well she found that “Very young children who share family meals show improved literacy skills when compared with children who did not have family meal opportunities.4 Children and adolescents who share meals with their parents have improved food habits – they tend to eat more fruits, vegetables and dairy foods, and less fried food and soft drinks at meals eaten with their families.5 Older adults who share meals with family and friends benefit not only by eating better, but also from the increased socialization. Intergenerational family meals help preserve and pass along family culture, traditions and values.” And also that “how often a family eats dinner together is a powerful indicator of whether a teen is likely to smoke, drink or use drugs and whether the teen is likely to perform well academically. Family meals help protect adolescents from developing disordered eating behaviors, according to a study done in 2004. Another study found that efforts to encourage and include adolescents in family meals and food preparation not only affect the child or teen as an individual, but also their interactions with family, school performance and relationships in the community and beyond. In other words, family meals help improve youths’ diet quality and their school and psychological performance.”

In The Family Dinner: Nutrition and Nurturing, Why it’s so important to eat together – and how to find the time by Kathleen Zelman, MPH, RD, LD, she gives a list of tips on how you can make time for family meals:

• Establish a minimum number of family meals per week that suits your lifestyle. Start slowly, and build up to a number that works with everyone’s schedule.
• Be prepared. Keep ingredients for healthful meals on hand so that preparation is easy and less time-consuming. Be sure to include lots of fruits and vegetables.
• Keep it simple. Family meals don’t need to be elaborate, just balanced, with plenty of healthful ingredients. Make meals that appeal to everyone in the family.
• Get the family involved in preparing meals and setting the table. If your children don’t learn basic kitchen skills, they’ll regret it by the time they’re off to college.
• Cook a big pot of something delicious during the weekend for easy meal prep on busy weekdays. Or try a crock-pot dish that you put together before leaving for work in the morning, and come home to the delicious smell of a cooked meal.
• Picking up take-out, ordering pizza, or going out to eat still counts as a family meal. Even when you don’t cook at home, take uninterrupted time to eat and enjoy one another’s company. (A note from HealthHeretic: For the benefits of family health and happiness, try to keep takeout to a minimum. Her other meal suggestions are much better, but require planning. We avoid takeout on a regular basis because you get healthier food when you cook meals at home, not to mention that eating out regularly puts a huge strain on the family budget. The #1 cause of divorce is financial tension. I agree that for sometimes, if it means a difference between eating together or not eating together, takeout is better than nothing, but an investment in meal planning time is well worth the effort and may save you a big headache later.)
• Make mealtime enjoyable so children will treasure the ritual. Leave the serious discussions and disciplinary action for some other time. Family meals are for healthy nourishment, comfort, and support.
• Share the family ritual with friends and extended family members. Kids love to eat dinner at their friend’s homes, and often discover new foods that way.
• Be flexible. Toddlers and young children have a tough time sitting still and will only last a short time at the family meal.
• Play soothing music, put flowers on the table, or light a candle to create a relaxing environment. (A note from HealthHeretic: Make the atmosphere relaxing yes, but I think this could easily be overdone. If you try to do too much when you are trying to save time and just bring everyone together, making things too fancy will just cause more stress in your life, especially if you have small children. Maybe it’s better to keep things like fancy decorations and candles for special occasions.)

At family mealtime what you want to do is focus on nurturing. Nurture the body with healthy whole foods, and nurture the mind with positive family interaction. Boost self esteem and confidence through the meal preparation process. For example, allow a small child to help set the table or other small things, and allow an older child to prepare simple dishes, teaching them along the way until they are able to prepare more and more complex recipes until they can create an entire meal by themselves. Finally, nurture by showing interest in every person in the family through conversation and by asking questions about how each family member’s day went, what they have to accomplish as far as homework or planned activities, notes that were sent home about upcoming activities for school, etc. Even a teenager can be a pleasant dinner companion. I see it happen every day and so can you!

Then when you are finished eating, involve the whole family in the clean up process (this is easiest, just like anything else, if you start out when they are small and still think washing dishes is fun!) Not only will this take some of the burden off of the parents, but being able to do this will give the kids a sense of pride in having done a good job and having been able to provide a needed service to other members of the family – everyone needs to feel needed and important!

For Further Reading:

Correlations Between Family Meals and Psychosocial Well-being Among Adolescents by Marla E. Eisenberg, ScD, MPH; Rachel E. Olson, MS; Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, PhD, MPH, RD; Mary Story, PhD, RD and Linda H. Bearinger, PhD, MS

Everyone to the Table: Family Meals Serve Us Well Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service

Family Meals Matter

Family Mealtime Is More than Just Sitting at the Table: New Study In Journal of the American Dietetic Association Reveals Nutritional Benefits by the American Dietetic Association

Cooking for Your Family: Meal Planning 101

Meal-Planning Strategy for Quick, Easy Dinners Every Night