On the same token, experimentation with illicit sex or sexual material of any kind is NOT ok, and is not a normal part of being a teenager, and it is not a normal part of being male. Experimentation with these types of things does not have a good track record in producing healthy happy people. Illicit sex with multiple partners is known to cause many different types of painful and incurable diseases, and behavioral problems that can permanently cripple a person’s ability to have a healthy intimate relationship.

A more subtle and deceptive argument is that sex is a natural and normal part of life, and so we should be able to indulge in as much of it as we like, and that because pornography is just a picture, you cannot get a disease by simply looking. Sex is a natural and normal part of life, but research has shown pornography to be just as addictive as drugs like heroin. The difference is that once the images are in the brain, they can be instantly recalled at any moment, and can never be completely erased or ‘detoxed.’ Pornography may not be able to give you an STD in the ‘traditional’ sense, but it can cause mental illness ranging from mild personality disorder to obsessive/compulsive and predatory sexual behaviors.

Others argue that pornographic images can be used as educational material for couples who want to enhance their sex life or who a more exciting sexual relationship. The problem with this argument is that this is like trying to learn collegiate wrestling from the WWE Smackdown. Pornographic movies or images do not portray realistic sexual activity between loving married couples. They display only the sexual side of the act and none of the emotional exchange. They debase the participants by reducing sexual intimacy to the act of sex, objectifying human beings. In his testimony at the May 19, 2005 summit on pornography and violence against women and children, Daniel Weis pointed out that “pornography turns people into commodities. Men and women become sexual objects to be bought, sold, used and discarded. The last time the United States recognized human beings as consumer goods, it took a civil war to end it.”

When a man begins to see his wife as an object, bad things begin to happen to their marital relationship, whether she knows about his use of pornography or not. The fact is that pornography can destroy a marriage without the wife ever knowing anything about her husband’s use of it, because pornography causes several significant behavioral changes in those who view it. Let me illustrate how this can happen:

First of all, there is a seed of anger planted because of the simple fact that pornographic depictions of sex are unrealistic; creating sexual expectations or fantasies that cannot be met. The husband who views pornographic images looses his ability to be satisfied sexually in his marriage relationship because of his desire to fulfill an unrealistic sexual fantasy. He will often become obsessed with sex as it is displayed in the images and try to pressure his spouse into sexual activities that she either cannot duplicate or that are uncomfortable or distasteful to her. Because he has objectified her, he may have little regard for her feelings, and become angry with her when she does not wish to participate even if her participation causes pain or injury to her. If she does participate he soon loses interest and moves on to another sexual fantasy.

Husbands who look at pornography also become more and more critical of their wives. Because they are dealing with feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and self loathing, rather than stop the behavior, they will try to place blame on the wife for her imperfections. If she weren’t overweight, unattractive, nagging, etc., then they would not feel the need to look at pornographic material. The imperfections in his wife’s body will be magnified when compared to the airbrushed images of a pornographic model. He will become more and more irritable and less patient and loving. His outlook will become more and more selfish as his focus shifts to obtaining an unattainable sexual fantasy.

He will spend more and more time on the computer and less and less time with his wife and children. He will become more secretive and demand more privacy. He will be defensive and get angry and possibly even violent if you question him about what he is looking at on the computer. In his article Dealing with Internet Addiction, Stephen O. Watters cites Dr. Kimberly Young, a pioneer in Internet addiction research. If you suspect pornography addiction, “she encourages spouses to look for changes in sleep patterns, demands for privacy, evidence of lying, personality changes, a loss of interest in sex and a declining investment in your relationship. One way to determine if your spouse’s activity is drifting off into inappropriate areas is to simply ask them, “What are you doing while you are online?” If they seem defensive or deceptive, you may want to get a more accurate idea by reviewing the history files on your browser.”

Other things to look for are if he password protects his computer and is reluctant to tell you the password, or only gives it to you after he has had a chance to erase any incriminating evidence; he may carry external storage devices with him, such as an extra hard drive, an ipod, a thumb drive, digital camera with a removable storage card, or other external mass storage device, even if he doesn’t need them for work. He may spend more time after work, coming home later and later than usual, or he may even go in to work earlier. He may lose interest in intimacy, or he may have a sudden increase in sexual desire.

You may notice an excess of spyware, malware, or virus infection on the computer, where the computer’s internet connection may seem slow or bogged down, and/or you may be inundated with all kinds of advertising pop-ups for sexually related products, virus protection software, gaming sites, gambling, or even pornographic websites while you are online.

If he isn’t very computer savvy, you can check the history in the browser, but often he is skilled at covering his tracks, using browsers that do not cache images, such as Firefox, or he may install some type of shredder that completely destroys any evidence of his browsing habits. You may find folders containing hundreds of boring images, the same image over and over again, or even just black squares with added noise. These could be encrypted files masking other files, images, or even movies.

If pornography continues to affect him in this way, it WILL destroy the marriage and if you want your marriage to last, you need to get help FAST! He may eventually have an extramarital affair, but not necessarily. The wife may never be able to quite put her finger exactly on what went wrong, and she may blame herself for the failure of the marriage because from her perspective, he simply lost interest in her and nothing she ever did was ever good enough, she was never perfect enough, never able to satisfy some need that he had.

But pornography is more than just a silent destroyer of marriages. According to Daniel Weis, “pornography is also a significant factor in sexual violence. The FBI reports that the most common interest among serial killers is hardcore pornography. Another study found that 87 percent of child molesters were regular consumers of hardcore pornography.” Ted Bundy admitted that pornography fueled the fire that led him to murder several women. Pornography creates serial killers, rapists, child predators, and sexual deviants. The earlier in life that a child is exposed to pornography, the more likely it is that he will have sexual problems as a result of pornography.
According to Pornography’s Impact on Marriage & the Family by Jill C. Manning

“The research indicates pornography consumption is associated with the following six trends, among others:

• Increased marital distress, and risk of separation and divorce
• Decreased marital intimacy and sexual satisfaction
• Infidelity
• Increased appetite for more graphic types of pornography and sexual activity associated with abusive, illegal or unsafe practices
• Devaluation of monogamy, marriage and child rearing
• An increasing number of people struggling with compulsive and addictive sexual behavior.

“These trends reflect a cluster of symptoms that undermine the foundation upon which successful marriages and families are established. While the marital bond may be the most vulnerable relationship to Internet pornography, children and adolescents are the most vulnerable audience. When a child lives in a home where an adult is consuming pornography, he or she encounters the following four risks:

• Decreased parental time and attention
• Increased risk of encountering pornographic material
• Increased risk of parental separation and divorce and
• Increased risk of parental job loss and financial strain

“When a child or adolescent is directly exposed the following effects have been documented:

• Lasting negative or traumatic emotional responses
• Earlier onset of first sexual intercourse, thereby increasing the risk of STD’s over the lifespan
• The belief that superior sexual satisfaction is attainable without having affection for one’s partner, thereby reinforcing the commoditization of sex and the objectification of humans
• The belief that being married or having a family are unattractive prospects
• Increased risk for developing sexual compulsions and addictive behavior
• Increased risk of exposure to incorrect information about human sexuality long before a minor is able to contextualize this information in ways an adult brain could
• Overestimating the prevalence of less common practices (e.g., group sex, bestiality, or sadomasochistic activity)

Pornography addiction, just like any other addiction, devalues human life and promotes self serving behavior. A person who is selfish and who does not value his own life, or the lives of those around him cannot be happy. There is no place for pornography in a healthy happy family life.

Some other more subtle things that can cause addictive behaviors and unhappiness in family life are excessive computer use, gaming, and television viewing. While not necessarily bad activities, these need to be limited, as research shows that excessive amounts of these activities can lead to patterns of addictive or antisocial behavior and excessive violence, insecurity, or depression. According to How TV affects your Child in KidsHealth, “in one year, the average child spends 1,023 hours in front of a TV.” That is 4 or more hours a day, or most of the remaining time after school. “despite its advantages, too much television can be detrimental:

• Research has shown that children who consistently spend more than 4 hours per day watching TV are more likely to be overweight
• Kids who view violent events, such as a kidnapping or murder, are also more likely to believe that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them.
• Research also indicates that TV consistently reinforces gender-role and racial stereotypes.

About television violence, the article states “the average American child will witness 200,000 violent acts on television by age 18.” And that “many violent acts are perpetrated by the ‘good guys,’ whom children have been taught to emulate.” This gives a skewed perception that problems can be solved through violence, and even if you teach your children not to hit, the TV is telling them it is ok to hit “if you’re the ‘good guy.’” See the link to the article below for more information on this, and tips and tricks for limiting your kid’s viewing time.

As far as video games go, I strongly discourage them with my children. Devices like game boys, and game consoles such as the X-Box and the Nintendo Game Cube bring out addictive behavior problems with my boys even with playing as little as a few minutes a day. For some reason, my daughter doesn’t have this problem with video games, and research verifies that this is more of a problem for boys than it is for girls. There is so much we do not know about human development, and I feel like this is one that falls into the category of “it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

According to CBS news article Detox For Video Game Addiction? Experts Say Gaming Can Be A Compulsion As Strong As Gambling, “too much gaming may seem relatively harmless compared with the dangers of a drug overdose, but Bakker [Keith Bakker, certified interventionist; and director, Smith & Jones Addiction Consultants] says video game addiction can ruin lives. Children who play four to five hours per day have no time for socializing, doing homework, or playing sports, he says. “That takes away from normal social development. You can get a 21-year-old with the emotional intelligence of a 12-year-old. He’s never learned to talk to girls. He’s never learned to play a sport.”

“In older addicts, compulsive gaming can jeopardize jobs or relationships. Howard, a 33-year-old project manager who asked to be identified only by his first name, started playing an online role-playing game about six months ago. He plays for three to four hours almost every day — more on weekends — occasionally putting off meals or sleep.”

Kimberly Young, PsyD, clinical director, Center for On-Line Addiction; professor of psychology recommends that parents watch their kids for signs of video game addiction, carefully observing their reactions to limiting gaming time and problems that result from video gaming. If they object to limits and constantly obsess over when they can play to the point that they can’t think of anything else, they may be addicted to video games.

Keith Bakker states that “because video game addicts can’t avoid computers, they have to learn to use them responsibly. Bakker says that means no gaming. As for limiting game time to an hour a day, he compares that to ‘an alcoholic saying he’s only going to drink beer.’” If your kid is an addict, you may need to take steps to eliminate video games from your home. Get your kids out of the house and expose them to lots of fun, healthy activities, such as geocaching, sports, art, photography, or other physically active or mentally creative activities.

Whatever choices you make, the most important thing to remember is that human life is a gift, our bodies are special, and if we want to be happy, we need to respect that. Human beings are more than commodities, and we need to keep ourselves free from addictions of any kind or behaviors that depreciate the value of human life. This is a critical part of happiness and if we are truly seeking a happy family then this is an absolute must!

For Further Reading:

Drug Abuse and Addiction: Understanding the Signs, Symptoms, and Effects at HelpGuide.org

Talking to Your Child About Pornography at focusonyourchild.com

Talking to Youth about Pornography By Dan Gray, Licensed clinical social worker

The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research by Jill C. Manning, M.S.

Pornography: Harmless Fun or Public Health Hazard? Testimony by Daniel Weiss at the May 19, 2005 summit on pornography and violence against women and children.

How TV Affects Your Child at KidsHealth.org

Detox For Video Game Addiction? Experts Say Gaming Can Be A Compulsion As Strong As Gambling by Sherry Rauh, CBS News, Web MD

In Papua New Guinea before the advancement of modern society brought processed foods to that area, when people still ate a natural diet, even though almost the entire population were heavy smokers, (and most began smoking as children) modern diseases were relatively rare, even diseases that modern medicine associates with smoking. It wasn’t until after the structure of society changed to include modern convenience foods that this changed. Now, what does that tell you? I am certainly not promoting smoking or saying that it is ok, especially with modern cigarettes and all the additives in the tobacco – which are as far away you can get from a natural substance as you can get after starting out with a plant. Imagine how much more healthy they would have been without the tobacco. (I will talk more about this in step 5)

The main thing I want to address in this article is the proven benefit of eating together around the table for mealtimes, without the distraction of the television or radio. When families eat together, it gives parents a chance to talk to their kids about what is going on in their lives and provides a natural setting for discussions on things happening in the news, drug awareness, stranger danger, or any number of other topics that might have an impact on your family.

When a parent takes the time to prepare wholesome food, I also believe (even though they may not show it) kids see that as an expression of love. Instead of opening a can of Spaghetti O’s, slopping it into a bowl, and then throwing it in the microwave and leaving them to eat alone in front of the TV set while you munch on something in front of your computer, consider taking an active interest in your family by talking with them as you all sit around the dinner table. This is a great way to get to know your kids. You might be surprised (maybe not) at what can come up at the table.

According to research done on the subject, in their article Correlations Between Family Meals and Psychosocial Well-being Among Adolescents, (see section at the end for further reading) “young people whose families routinely eat meals together spend more time on homework and reading for pleasure. Frequent family meals have also been related to better nutritional intake and a decreased risk for unhealthy weight control practices, substance use, sexual intercourse, and suicidal involvement.”

Also, in a report written by Sandy Procter, PhD, RD, LD for the Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service entitled Everyone to the Table: Family Meals Serve Us Well she found that “Very young children who share family meals show improved literacy skills when compared with children who did not have family meal opportunities.4 Children and adolescents who share meals with their parents have improved food habits – they tend to eat more fruits, vegetables and dairy foods, and less fried food and soft drinks at meals eaten with their families.5 Older adults who share meals with family and friends benefit not only by eating better, but also from the increased socialization. Intergenerational family meals help preserve and pass along family culture, traditions and values.” And also that “how often a family eats dinner together is a powerful indicator of whether a teen is likely to smoke, drink or use drugs and whether the teen is likely to perform well academically. Family meals help protect adolescents from developing disordered eating behaviors, according to a study done in 2004. Another study found that efforts to encourage and include adolescents in family meals and food preparation not only affect the child or teen as an individual, but also their interactions with family, school performance and relationships in the community and beyond. In other words, family meals help improve youths’ diet quality and their school and psychological performance.”

In The Family Dinner: Nutrition and Nurturing, Why it’s so important to eat together – and how to find the time by Kathleen Zelman, MPH, RD, LD, she gives a list of tips on how you can make time for family meals:

• Establish a minimum number of family meals per week that suits your lifestyle. Start slowly, and build up to a number that works with everyone’s schedule.
• Be prepared. Keep ingredients for healthful meals on hand so that preparation is easy and less time-consuming. Be sure to include lots of fruits and vegetables.
• Keep it simple. Family meals don’t need to be elaborate, just balanced, with plenty of healthful ingredients. Make meals that appeal to everyone in the family.
• Get the family involved in preparing meals and setting the table. If your children don’t learn basic kitchen skills, they’ll regret it by the time they’re off to college.
• Cook a big pot of something delicious during the weekend for easy meal prep on busy weekdays. Or try a crock-pot dish that you put together before leaving for work in the morning, and come home to the delicious smell of a cooked meal.
• Picking up take-out, ordering pizza, or going out to eat still counts as a family meal. Even when you don’t cook at home, take uninterrupted time to eat and enjoy one another’s company. (A note from HealthHeretic: For the benefits of family health and happiness, try to keep takeout to a minimum. Her other meal suggestions are much better, but require planning. We avoid takeout on a regular basis because you get healthier food when you cook meals at home, not to mention that eating out regularly puts a huge strain on the family budget. The #1 cause of divorce is financial tension. I agree that for sometimes, if it means a difference between eating together or not eating together, takeout is better than nothing, but an investment in meal planning time is well worth the effort and may save you a big headache later.)
• Make mealtime enjoyable so children will treasure the ritual. Leave the serious discussions and disciplinary action for some other time. Family meals are for healthy nourishment, comfort, and support.
• Share the family ritual with friends and extended family members. Kids love to eat dinner at their friend’s homes, and often discover new foods that way.
• Be flexible. Toddlers and young children have a tough time sitting still and will only last a short time at the family meal.
• Play soothing music, put flowers on the table, or light a candle to create a relaxing environment. (A note from HealthHeretic: Make the atmosphere relaxing yes, but I think this could easily be overdone. If you try to do too much when you are trying to save time and just bring everyone together, making things too fancy will just cause more stress in your life, especially if you have small children. Maybe it’s better to keep things like fancy decorations and candles for special occasions.)

At family mealtime what you want to do is focus on nurturing. Nurture the body with healthy whole foods, and nurture the mind with positive family interaction. Boost self esteem and confidence through the meal preparation process. For example, allow a small child to help set the table or other small things, and allow an older child to prepare simple dishes, teaching them along the way until they are able to prepare more and more complex recipes until they can create an entire meal by themselves. Finally, nurture by showing interest in every person in the family through conversation and by asking questions about how each family member’s day went, what they have to accomplish as far as homework or planned activities, notes that were sent home about upcoming activities for school, etc. Even a teenager can be a pleasant dinner companion. I see it happen every day and so can you!

Then when you are finished eating, involve the whole family in the clean up process (this is easiest, just like anything else, if you start out when they are small and still think washing dishes is fun!) Not only will this take some of the burden off of the parents, but being able to do this will give the kids a sense of pride in having done a good job and having been able to provide a needed service to other members of the family – everyone needs to feel needed and important!

For Further Reading:

Correlations Between Family Meals and Psychosocial Well-being Among Adolescents by Marla E. Eisenberg, ScD, MPH; Rachel E. Olson, MS; Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, PhD, MPH, RD; Mary Story, PhD, RD and Linda H. Bearinger, PhD, MS

Everyone to the Table: Family Meals Serve Us Well Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service

Family Meals Matter

Family Mealtime Is More than Just Sitting at the Table: New Study In Journal of the American Dietetic Association Reveals Nutritional Benefits by the American Dietetic Association

Cooking for Your Family: Meal Planning 101

Meal-Planning Strategy for Quick, Easy Dinners Every Night

I do not buy my children immodest clothing or allow them to dress immodestly. This means no sleeveless tops, no bare midriffs, no bikinis – two piece swimwear is only allowed if it covers from hip to shoulder (personally I prefer the two piece suits that have long tank tops and shorts for bottoms because it makes it easier to use the restroom and they cover more than the traditional one piece suit), no going without a shirt for boys unless we’re swimming, fingertip length shorts (for boys and girls), knee length skirts, and dresses etc., and if I can at all help it, there is no streaking out the front door naked after baths. (LOL) Of course, I provide an example by dressing the way I expect them to, and I am proactive by supervising the school clothes shopping. I will set out guidelines for my older children and then they choose their clothing based on those guidelines.

In the research study An Examination of Date Rape, Victim Dress, and Perceiver Variables Within the Context of Attribution Theory done by Jane E. Workman and Elizabeth W. Freeburg, they conclude that there is enough “evidence [to show] that how a woman dresses may be interpreted as a cue to her character, vulnerability, willingness to have sex, and provocation of a male’s behavior and, consequently, affects the likelihood of sexual assault, including date rape. For example, 449 university students were surveyed about sex, dating, and date rape; 57% agreed or strongly agreed with the statement, “You can pretty well tell a girl’s character by how she dresses,” implying dress is related to likelihood of occurrence of date rape.” The study also reported that “because some men are confused about women’s sexual consent cues (Holcomb, Holcomb, Sondag, & Williams, 1991), how a woman dresses may be misinterpreted as a cue to her willingness to have sex (Cassidy & Hurrell, 1995). Misinterpretation of sexual consent has potential to result in date rape (Cassidy & Hurrell, 1995; Muehlenhard, 1988; Muehlenhard & Hollabaugh, 1988; Muehlenhard & Linton, 1987).”

Obviously we can’t force our kids wear burkas, but why draw the attention of pedophiles and sexual predators by pushing the limits of what is acceptable in our society, and why teach our children to do so? With the risks we face every single day, it spits in the face of reason. (This applies to children of any age as well as adults.) Of course I understand that what we wear is not necessarily an invitation for inappropriate sexual advances. But at the same time, sexual predators do see it as an invitation, and if they take immodest clothing as an invitation for sexual activity, it only makes sense to protect ourselves from that. Sexual assault often happens even when the victim is modestly dressed. Why should we increase the risk?

Of course, you don’t want to make a huge deal about it with your children. You want them to feel safe and secure and scaring them about child predators is not going to help. If you start enforcing modest dress when they are babies simply by choosing not to buy clothing that shows too much skin, then chances are you will never have to say anything until they are a little older. If someone gives your child a tank top or other immodest article of clothing as a gift, you can return it and buy something else, or you can simply donate it to good will. Politely let people know that you are no longer allowing your children to wear clothing that does not fit certain criteria, and tell them why.

Discuss modesty with your older children. You can say to your child, “I know it’s a cute top, honey, but in our family we have decided that we don’t wear clothing that shows our shoulders.” Or “yes, those are adorable shorts, but we don’t wear clothing that doesn’t at least come to fingertip/knee length,” and then you show them how to test for fingertip length by straightening your arms and extending your fingers. Where your fingers end is the shortest a piece of clothing is allowed to be. Or if you prefer knee length, show them how to kneel on the floor with legs bent at a 90 degree angle and if the skirt touches the floor, it is ok. If it does not, it is not ok. If you start this when they are small they will accept it. If, however, you wait until they are 11, then you are going to get all of the usual arguments you would expect from a child that age. If you wait until they are 13 chances are they will sneak clothing to school and change where you can’t monitor their behavior.

If this happens, and your child refuses to get rid of an article of clothing that you feel is unacceptable, you are still the one doing the laundry, and it will have to come through the wash sooner or later. When this happens, intercept it and get rid of it. If you refuse to argue over it with them, and you stay firm in your decision to enforce modest dress, they will eventually accept it, especially if you make an extra effort to be patient and loving with them and take time to help them find fashionable clothing that meets your standards. It also helps to discuss with them your reasons and to explain that you are sorry for your oversight, and that you feel it was a mistake to overlook the issue of modesty the way you have up to this point, and now for your family safety, and out of respect for your bodies, and for your desire to help them develop self worth and promote healthy sexual attitudes as they mature into young women and men, you are making some changes in the way you dress. Have a party where you get rid of any immodest articles of clothing together. Go over your new standards, and then make a list of clothing requirements. Let your kids help you choose a new outfit based on the guidelines you have set. . . Look at it this way – now you have an excuse to get a new wardrobe!

Another very serious thing to consider: if a young girl thinks of herself only in a sexual way and perceives her own happiness to be inextricably connected to being sexy and pleasing men sexually, how good are her chances going to be for success academically? Also, will she ever be able to experience true happiness if she can only be happy by pleasing someone else? Will she be able to find personal and individual happiness? Even in marriage, it is very important for women to feel joy in their own individuality. Modest dress allows young girls to be able to grow and develop in a way that allows them to build healthy feelings of self worth rather than building a future of codependency and unfulfilling personal goals centered on their sexual identity and appearance. Modest dress allows young men and young women to explore who they are and what they believe in without the distractions of false sexuality. On the other hand, immodest dress puts added pressure, especially on young girls to live up to the unrealistic sexual expectations, real or perceived, that are pushed on them through the media.

Clothing and media influences the way children grow to think about their bodies, and in our society it seems that as children grow, there is an ever increasing unnatural need to be seen as sexy, even before the age of puberty. Fashions like low cut hip-hugger jeans paired with thongs are being marketed to preteen girls, the idea being that the thong along with three to six inches of their backside will be displayed to anyone within line of sight. This fashion has become so prevalent that some cities across the nation are actually considering legislation to prevent people from walking about with their underwear showing. Yet another reason for teaching modesty to our children! Do we really want or even need our underwear to be legislated? And if you have ever been in the line of sight to someone who is dressed this way, what is your first thought? I guarantee it isn’t WOW! (at least not in a positive way.)

Even in cultures where people do not wear clothing there are behaviors of modesty. In The Psychology of Modesty and Clothing (American Journal of Sociology 5, (1899): 246-62.) William Isaac Thomas observed that “the girl of the unclothed races [often] . . .takes in sitting a modest attitude, covering herself, perhaps, with her hand,” and that “this more or less instinctive recognition of the suggestive power of her person and her corresponding attitude of modesty have been assisted also by her observation[s] . . . of other women.” He also observed that this was not done out of self consciousness or self loathing, or even out of disgust, but out of a combination of attitudes including self-respect and the respect for others that she learned within her culture. It was interesting that he noted that the acts of immodesty lay in the intentional display or withdrawing of the sexual organs at culturally inappropriate times, as well as in the display of those in provocative positions or through inappropriate sexual advances. In these cases, a person was looked down upon and talked of with disapproval, in much the same way as happens in our own society.

We do not live in a society where nudity is acceptable, and so justifying revealing clothing would be quite a stretch by any measure. The point I am making here is that even in societies where people do not wear clothing there are standards of modesty and these standards go much farther than the clothing we wear and how we present ourselves. These findings merely suggest that immodesty is much more than inappropriate dress or behavior. Modesty is a highly complex combination of cultural attitudes, behaviors, and dress, pertaining to what is acceptable in a particular society. Clothing is more than simply a covering for the body. It carries with it an even deeper significance, connecting us to who we are, and communicating a combination of signals about how we feel about ourselves, our status in society, our reverence for our sexually, and our sense of self worth.

In A different Perspective on the Modesty Question, Kathleen van Schaijik, states “that it [is] a mistake to put so much emphasis on the danger of tempting men to sin. It is certainly a part of the problem, but it is at most only a secondary part. Treating it as if it were the “main point” of modest dress can make matters worse, in two ways. For some it will only aggravate the puritanical tendency Regina [Schmiedicke] rightly lamented for causing many women to dress in ugly, bag-like clothing that hides their shape. If the main idea of modesty is seeing to it that we don’t tempt our brothers to sin, then obviously the more invisible we make our figures the better. Modesty is reduced to its negative aspect, i.e. sexual-sin-avoidance. Its deeper essence as reverence for the sexual sphere is down-played or lost entirely.”

The article Kathleen refers to is Modesty and beauty – the lost connection, by Regina Schmiedicke. She asserts that “In our fragmented society, scanty clothing has somehow become associated with women’s social progress – as if the “right” to wear less indicated that we are moving up in the world. But my casual overview of history leads me to almost the opposite conclusion. It seems to me that in most cultures, the more clothing a person wears, the more important that person tends to be in society.”
“In history, slaves were often forced to go naked; royalty and other important personages were draped in robes. . . Women of rank were outfitted with long garments -queens of ancient Egypt, medieval France, and Victorian England all wore gowns that fell to their feet. . .Even in the debased symbolism of our modern culture we can find remnants of the association between clothing and human dignity. Judges still wear robes, as do priests, bishops and popes. On ceremonial occasions, professors and graduates wear them as well. In our society, only women are culturally permitted to wear “robes” at any time if they wish. I began exercising my “cultural prerogative” to wear robes (long skirts) as often as possible when I realized how crucial and valuable a woman’s role is to society. We’re meant to be much more than sex objects.”

Regina goes on to say that, “at a time when some men are learning to respect women as their equals, too many women are debasing themselves in men’s eyes by the way they dress. Women will complain about the lack of knights in shining armor, but it hasn’t occurred to many of them that they are scarcely dressing like the chaste ladies of the days of chivalry.”

Kathleen takes this a step farther, stating that we must be careful not to take this so far that any change in women’s fashions is considered evil or taken as a declaration of sexual availability. She goes on to say that “if we [women] want to be recognized and respected for who we are in our deepest essence, we should have nothing to do with the my-bod-in-your-face fashions of today. In clothes like that everything about a woman except her sexual value is pushed into the background, while her body is thrust into the public glare for comparison with all the bodies in Hollywood. If she happens to have an especially good figure, she will certainly attract a lot of attention, but it will be the degrading attention of impure men. If her figure is not so attractive, she will feel mortified by rejection, and tempted to self-hatred.”

The Encyclopedia of Mormonism defines modesty as “a quality of mind, heart, and body, modesty is an attitude of humility, decency, and propriety that may be evidenced in thought, language, dress, and behavior. Modesty or immodesty is reflected in almost every aspect of human life.” Modest dress is a reflection of the inner person, and an outward expression of respect for self and others that does not provoke envy or strife. It is also an outward expression of humility, as a person who is modest does not draw undue attention to herself, or make himself out to be more important than he really is. In contrast, immodesty draws all attention, having all attention focused on them selves or making them selves out to be overly important. In this case where we are specifically discussing modest dress and clothing, immodesty could be considered a forced or unwelcome expression of a person’s sexuality onto others. When you look at it this way, immodesty begins to look more and more like a mask for hiding feelings of low self worth.

In a happy family, parents encourage their children into paths that will lead them to build confidence and a strong feeling of individual worth. Allowing our children to behave in a way that clearly demonstrates feelings of low self esteem is counterproductive. In Your Daughter’s Wardrobe: A Battle Worth Fighting? Dannah Gresh cites research done by the Medical Institute for Sexual Health (MISH). It was found that “the most formative years for a young woman’s sexual values are between the ages of 8 and 10.” and that “When age-appropriate guidelines and truths in the areas of sexuality, purity and modesty are established during these years,” they will be receptive to your counsel on these issues. She also stated that immodesty and young girls who dress to appear older than they are, are at higher risk for becoming involved in sexual activity at a young age. Many professional therapists assert that there is nothing wrong with this and that sexual activity among teens is a normal part of sexual development. They would have us believe that the problem lies in educating teens about the proper use of birth control, mainly condoms. Right now I am telling you that if you have any interest at all in the happiness and quality of life of your family and your children, this is an outright lie. Condoms are not effective in preventing the feelings of low self worth, the spread of sexually transmitted disease, and the unwanted teen pregnancies that result from this behavior.

There are countless studies and research on this topic, and the results are grim at best. In the executive summary of a study conducted by by Robert E. Rector, Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D., Lauren R. Noyes, and Shannan Martin, The Harmful Effects of Early Sexual Activity and Multiple Sexual Partners Among Women: A Book of Charts the findings were that “early initiation of sexual activity and higher numbers of non-marital sex partners are linked in turn to a wide variety of negative life outcomes, including increased rates of infection with sexually transmitted diseases, increased rates of out-of-wedlock pregnancy and birth, increased single parenthood, decreased marital stability, increased maternal and child poverty, increased abortion, increased depression, and decreased happiness.”

Research entitled Sexually Active Teenagers Are More Likely to Be Depressed and to Attempt Suicide, conducted by Robert E. Rector, Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D., and Lauren R. Noyes, found that “approximately 48 percent of American teenagers of high-school age were or had been sexually active” in 1997, and that “when compared to teens who are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly less likely to be happy and more likely to feel depressed.” And, “when compared to teens who are not sexually active, teenage boys and girls who are sexually active are significantly more likely to attempt suicide.” Also, they found that “every day, 8,000 teen­agers in the United States become infected by a sexually transmitted disease. This year, nearly 3 million teens will become infected. Overall, roughly one-quarter of the nation’s sexually active teens have been infected by a sexually transmitted disease. . . In [the year] 2000, some 240,000 children were born to girls aged 18 or younger. Nearly all these teenage mothers were unmarried. These mothers and their children have an extremely high probability of long-term poverty and welfare dependence.”

Does this sound like normal teen development to you? This study goes on to state findings that “in addition to its role in promoting teen pregnancy and the current epidemic of STDs, early sexual activity is a substantial factor in undermining the emotional well-being of American teenagers.” According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, “a nationally representative sample of 501 teens ages 12 to 17 were surveyed and 41 percent of them had had sexual intercourse. Among those who were sexually experienced, 63 percent reported wishing they had waited before becoming sexually active.” A study by the National Center for Health Statistics and the University of Maryland showed that “those who are sexually active before marriage are 71 percent more likely to divorce than those who are virgins on their wedding night.” Teen mothers account for nearly 765,000 out-of-wedlock births and 300,000 abortions each year in America. In a national survey, 93 percent of youth ages 12 – 17 said that they want a stronger abstinence message from our society.

Instilling modesty in our children at an early age can counteract most of these problems. As parents, we have a lot more control over this situation than you might think. Remember that the Medical Institute for Sexual Health found that children between the ages of 8 and 10 are very receptive to parent’s encouragement when it comes to modesty and sexual purity, so I will say it again: erring on the side of strictness when it comes to our children’s modesty and standards of dress will be less painful in the long run than the possible damage that could be caused by our being too lenient. Children need structure and will gratefully accept your teachings if you start when they are young. Convenient or not, modesty is a critical factor in the happiness of your family. If you have any doubts about this, please do more research, either on your own or by reading the books and articles under further reading at the end of this section. Believe me, I know how hard it can be to find clothing that is fashionable and still covers all of the angles, especially when you have a choosy teen aged daughter! But it can be done, and you will one day be pleasantly surprised to hear your daughter say something like “I really think it’s gross how everyone is going around with all their blubber hanging out!” and you will (hopefully) choke back your laughter and gently chastise her saying something like, “Be nice sweetie, they just don’t know any better.”

For Further Reading:

Clothes Talk: Parents and Teens by Shirley R. Klein

Why IS Modesty a Virtue? by G. F. Schueler

Sexually Active Teenagers Are More Likely to Be Depressed and to Attempt Suicide by Robert E. Rector, Kirk A. Johnson, Ph.D., and Lauren R. Noyes

Safe & Sound: The truth about abstinence, premarital sex and sexually transmitted disease

A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit

Girls Gone Mild: Young Women Reclaim Self-Respect and Find It’s Not Bad to Be Good by Wendy Shalit

I understand that sometimes divorce is unavoidable. I also understand that unforeseen situations such as the death of a spouse can unexpectedly leave you single when you had not planned on it. In these situations, being a single parent or re-marrying cannot be helped. If this is the case, then the parent or parents who are in this situation must work even harder to achieve happiness in their family relationships. Why make things worse than they have to be by bringing in a cohabitating partner? In the study Family Structure and Child Well-being: The Significance of Parental Cohabitation finds that even “children living in two-biological-parent cohabiting families experience worse outcomes, on average, than those residing with two biological married parents,” referring to both financial well being and emotional well being. In other words, children living with cohabitating couples are more likely to exhibit behavioral problems and to live in poverty.

I have had the opportunity to observe both married and cohabitating couples (who hasn’t now days? You know who is married and who isn’t in your social circle. Take some time to really observe their relationships and the outcomes of those relationships for yourself. And please, be totally honest with yourself about those observations. It’s your kids we’re talking about here and the happiness of your family, so for heaven’s sake, PLEASE, be honest about it!) The results of my observations are this: (I know that these are basically oversimplified, but as an observer I can only report what I see. I obviously don’t know everything about what goes on or went on in these relationships, but in many of these cases I have had long conversations with one or both partners in the relationship. I have to go off of my observations and what I was told by both parties involved which was sometimes conflicting.) Of the people I know who are in my social circle who married with no fooling around beforehand, only two of those relationships have broken up. One is on shaky grounds, due to admitted extramarital activities by both partners (by this I mean any sexual behavior outside of the marriage such as indulging in pornography and/or infidelity)

The people I know who were married and divorced without any fooling around beforehand are divorced because (in my opinion) they did not choose carefully enough and married people who they discovered later to be abusive and/or had sexual problems such as an unnatural attraction to children. (How is anyone supposed to know beforehand that their would-be partner would have such problems? They aren’t going to tell you. This just means you have to be extra careful in choosing a partner nowadays. See my guide to choosing a spouse.) Of one of these couples, one partner came from a home where there was alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, and divorce. There are two marriage relationships that ended due to infidelity and/or one partner in the relationship had deep seated emotional issues that could not be overcome in the relationship, likely due to childhood abuse and low self esteem. Both of these relationships had premarital fooling around and limited cohabitation before marriage and in both of these relationships, regular church attendance was not part of the routine for one or both partners. Three marriages where there was fooling around beforehand survived and are doing well, but these couples had a harder time getting to a point of stability than the people I know who abstained from sexual relationships before marriage. All of these couples are regular attendees at church services.

Of the cohabitating or just fooling around couples I know who did not marry, all are now broken up and either single, dating, or in new cohabiting relationships. None of these are regular churchgoers, or at least were not while they were cohabitating. Of the people I know who cohabitated and then married, one long term cohabitating relationship only lasted a week after the marriage ceremony with a huge fight on the honeymoon night in which the marriage certificate was actually destroyed. Another lasted a few months before they broke up. They also were not regular churchgoers. Two sisters I know who cohabitated with partners for a period of 10 years or longer confided that they were never really happy in their relationships and one woman even suffered long term abuse from an alcoholic partner. Both of these women are now regular church attendees and have broken off their cohabitating relationships. They are happier now, but most of their children are now either cohabitating, are single parents, are currently divorcing, or are already in a second cohabitating relationship.

Three women and one man admitted that breaking up from the cohabitating relationship was just as traumatic if not more so than a divorce that they went through. The cohabitating couples I know had instances of infidelity, drug use, and alcoholism in their relationships. Their children have had more emotional and economic problems in their own relationships than married people that I know who came from stable married parents. Children know more than you think. Children can sense the added security when they know that you are fully committed to each other, and it enhances there feelings of security and emotional well being. If you are cohabitating, stop now, and FULLY COMMIT to the relationship and GET MARRIED! If you don’t think you need to, then maybe you aren’t really all that serious about having a truly happy family life. This has little to do with my religious beliefs, and has much more to do with my observations of healthy, happy, stable relationships, and what is being put into them.

Another thing to think about: studies consistently suggest that cohabitation is associated with an increased likelihood of divorce. For example, Paul Amato, confirming earlier indications, (Larry L. Bumpass, James A. Sweet, and Andrew Cherlin, “The Role of Cohabitation in Declining Rates of Marriage,” University of Wisconsin, Center for Demography and Ecology National Survey of Families and Households Working Paper No. 5, 1989, pp. 913–927.) reported that couples who had lived together before marriage were 59 percent more likely to divorce than those who did not. (Paul R. Amato, “Explaining the Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce,” Journal of Marriage and Family, Vol. 58, No. 3 (August 1996), pp. 628–640.) This means if you are cohabitating, and you decide to commit and get married, you are going to have to work harder to make it work.

Coming from a broken family, and knowing first-hand how damaging it can be to the children, my personal feelings about divorce are that it is wrong except under certain extenuating circumstances. For example, if the husband refuses to support the family even though he is capable and able bodied, either by flat out refusal to work or through irresponsible and wasteful spending that he refuses to control. (If the husband is disabled and cannot work, then the roles would obviously be reversed, and the responsible spending applies to either partner.) or if there is a serious pattern of spousal or child abuse, or if one partner refuses to fully commit to the relationship and is unfaithful or unwilling to compromise on important family issues when needed, making choices instead that are damaging to the family.

I think that divorce and re-marriage should be considered only as a last resort, since there is a growing body of evidence suggests that even stepfamilies may not tend to benefit children (Coleman, Ganong, and Fine 2000). According to research, living in a stepfamily is associated with low well-being compared to living with two biological parents, as indicated by a wide range of child outcomes including educational attainment, sociability, initiative, internalizing and externalizing behaviors (e.g. Amato and Keith 1991; Astone and McLanahan 1991; Cherlin and Furstenberg 1994; Coughlin and Vuchinich 1996; Hetherington, Bridges, and Insabella 1998; Pagani et al. 1998; Sandefur, McLanahan, and Wojtkiewicz 1992; Thomson, Hanson, and McLanahan 1994). Research by developmental psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington and colleagues provides some of the strongest evidence to date that children in stepfamilies tend not to fare as well as those in intact two-parent families, and at best, do no better on average than those living with single-divorced mothers (e.g. see Hetherington and Jodl 1994, for a useful review).

I am not saying that once divorced or widowed or otherwise left single, that you should never re-marry. I am simply saying that once you are faced with the situation of being a single parent, you are going to have to work harder, and choose a new partner even more carefully than you would have otherwise. And once remarried, it is going to take even more work to keep your family happy than if you were happily married to the biological parent of your children. Note the phrase happily married — obviously, if you came out of an abusive situation and into a stable marriage, things will get better, but speaking from the experience of living as a child in a step family, especially if you have recently come out of an abusive relationship, you are going to have to work overtime to make things work, if only because you are working through the effects of an abusive relationship.

If you feel that your marriage is on the brink of disaster, and you do not fit into one of the categories I stated above as acceptable grounds for divorce, please reconsider, especially if you have children. If you just feel you have grown apart, that isn’t good enough, and there are things you can do to fix your relationship. You can start with the following suggestions:

Choose to love each other: Love is a verb, not an accidental occurrence

Focus on your partner’s positive traits and not on the negative ones. Remind yourself of these traits by making a list and then thinking about them at least once a day. Add more as you think of them.

Make an effort to make eye contact and appear pleased to see your partner when he/she gets home or comes into the room and be cheerful about it.

Look for something positive to say first, even if it seems trivial. If you consider it long enough, you can find something positive about almost anyone. Refer to your list if you have to.

Make an effort to “be the adult” in the relationship even if it is her/his fault. Stop worrying about being right and just think about being happy. Winning an argument doesn’t bring happiness; just smug satisfaction that is short lived and unsatisfying.

Refuse to take the bait when a verbal attack is launched at you. Make up your mind that you will not fight. Wait until tension is diffused and then bring up topics in a non threatening way. (Did you want to talk about such and such? I got the impression that you were worried about . . .)

Plan and ask your spouse out on a date. Have a “date night,” ideally once a week.

Show affection to each other (within reason) in front of the kids. (If your kids see you argue, let them see you forgive each other as well.)

Be monogamous and leave no room whatsoever for irresponsible sexual behavior of any kind, including voyeurism, masturbation, and/or pornographic material.

Have regular family activities, at least once a week.

Go on family outings as often as is possible.

Allow your partner to make mistakes and forgive each other.

Say you are sorry and make restitution for any wrongdoing.

Don’t throw fits. It’s ok to be angry, but it’s not ok to act out on anger in a negative way.

Show gratitude to each other and nurture positive attitudes

Look for opportunities to serve one another.

Put your family first. Children feel most secure when they see that you have a strong relationship, so in order to put your family first, you need to first and foremost nourish the marriage relationship.

Prioritize and make time what is really important.

Set goals together and act with the end in mind. (read Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits for Highly Effective Families together)

Study scriptures and pray together daily (Or at the very least on your own). If you think you don’t have time, make the time and then do it. Allow the children to take turns reading and praying as well – it is good for them and helps with academics as well as with self esteem.

For Further Reading:

Overview of Cohabitation Research by David H. Olson and Amy Olson-Sigg

Cohabiting Couples Higher Risk for Divorce by David H. Olson, Ph.D. & Peter J. Larson, Ph.D.

No-fault divorce, cohabitation harmful to families, by Bryan Fischer

Cohabitation: Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Milk for Free?

Premarital Sex, Premarital Cohabitation, And the Risk of Subsequent Marital Dissolution among Women

The Facts behind Cohabitation

Children and the Stability of Cohabiting Couples by Pascale Beaupré and Pierre Turcotte

You read about individuals whose lives serve as models for living, like Jesus Christ, (whether you believe in his divinity or not, he is a good example of unselfishness, compassion, service and commitment, among many other positive traits.) Moses, Abraham, Isaiah, Elijah, John the Baptist, Buddha, Confucius, Martin Luther, Muhammad, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, (Taken from Greatest Historical list of Major Religious Leaders) Mother Theresa, and other religious contemporaries like Martin Luther King Jr., Pope John Paul II, Gordon B. Hinckley, and Mohandas Gandhi (taken in order of influence from the top ten of Time Magazine’s Person of the Century Poll). Now you can either get offended by this list (I’m sure there are some great leaders whom I did not mention, but that isn’t because they are not noteworthy. It’s just because maybe I don’t know much or anything about them.) We could argue who on this list is most important or most influential or more right or wrong. But that isn’t my intention. My intention is to simply point out a few of our great historical religious leaders who by reading about any one of them and following their example, we could all become infinitely better people.

It is not just my opinion that religious worship can improve family life. There are hundreds of studies done that reflect the impact that religion has on our personal happiness. Don’t just take my word for it – According to Analysis: Religion, Family, and the General Social Survey by W. Bradford Wilcox, “weekly religious attendance and marriage are both associated with higher reports of happiness among U.S. adults. In fact, more than 48 percent of adults who are married and weekly churchgoers report that they are very happy, compared to just 20 percent of adults who are unmarried and do not attend church weekly.”

In his article Why Religion Matters Even More: The Impact of Religious Practice on Social Stability, Patrick F. Fagan, Ph.D. states, “Regular attendance at religious services is linked to healthy, stable family life, strong marriages, and well-behaved children. The practice of religion also leads to a reduction in the incidence of domestic abuse, crime, substance abuse, and addiction. In addition, religious practice leads to an increase in physical and mental health, longevity, and education attainment. Moreover, these effects are intergenerational, as grandparents and parents pass on the benefits to the next generations.”

He goes on to summarize selections from Objective Hope, Assessing the Effectiveness of Faith-Based Organizations: A Review of the Literature, a report summarizing 766 different studies on religion’s effects on society, by Byron R. Johnson, Director and Distinguished Senior Fellow at the Center for Research on Religion and Urban Civil Society, stating that happy people were more productive and law-abiding and were also more easily educated. Because of this they were found to have a more positive impact on society. The report showed that religion significantly influenced individual happiness and an overall sense of well-being. In the vast majority of the studies reviewed in the report, “an increase in religious practice was associated with having greater hope and a greater sense of purpose in life.” He also stated that “both public and private religious practice protect against depression. People who are frequently involved in religious activities and highly value their religious faith are at a reduced risk for depression, according to a review of more than 100 studies. This review also found that 87 percent of the studies surveyed concluded that religious practice correlates with reduced incidence of suicide.”
Dr. Fagan went on to cite several other sources establishing a direct link between church attendance and personal and family happiness and well being. For example, “levels of depression were also lower for those who participated in religious services than they were for those who only prayed on their own. [Christopher G. Ellison, “Race, Religious Involvement, and Depressive Symptomatology in a Southeastern U.S. Community,” Social Science and Medicine, Vol. 40, No. 11 (June 1995), pp. 1561–1572.], and “adolescents who frequently attend religious services and have a high level of spiritual support from others in their community have the lowest levels of depression.[Lloyd S. Wright, Christopher J. Frost, and Stephen J. Wisecarver, “Church Attendance, Meaningfulness of Religion, and Depressive Symptomatology Among Adolescents,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Vol. 22, No. 5 (October 1993), pp. 559–568.]
Conversely, a lack of religious affiliation correlates with an increased risk of suicide. [Frank Tovato, “Domestic/Religious Individualism and Youth Suicide in Canada,” Family Perspective, Vol. 24, No. 1 (1990), pp. 69–81.]

Fagan goes on to say that “Just as the stable marriage of parents is powerful in preventing crime, [Patrick F. Fagan, “The Real Root Causes of Violent Crime: The Breakdown of Marriage, Family, and Community,” Heritage Foundation Backgrounder No. 1026, March 17, 1995] so too is the practice of religion. A review of the literature on religion and crime suggests that, compared with less religious counterparts, religiously involved individuals are less likely to carry or use weapons, fight, or exhibit violent behavior. At the metropolitan level of analysis, areas with high rates of congregational membership and areas with high levels of religious homogeneity tend to have lower homicide and suicide rates than other metropolitan areas.[Hummer et al., “Religious Involvement and Adult Mortality in the United States,” pp. 1224–1225.]

Similarly, at the state level of analysis, states with more religious populations tend to have fewer homicides and fewer suicides [David Lester, “Religiosity and Personal Violence: A Regional Analysis of Suicide and Homicide Rates,” The Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 127, No. 6 (December 1987), pp. 685–686.], and that “men who attended religious services at least weekly were more than 50 percent less likely to commit an act of violence against their partners than were peers who attended only once a year or less. [Ellison et al., “Are There Religious Variations in Domestic Violence?”] No matter how the data were analyzed, regular attendance at religious services had a strong and statistically significant inverse association with the incidence of domestic abuse. [Ellison and Anderson,” Religious Involvement and Domestic Violence among U.S. Couples.”]

According to John P Bartkowski in a study titled Religion and Child Development: Evidence from the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study, for church attendance to have the maximum positive influence on the overall happiness of your family, it is important for the whole family to participate, however the findings also showed that even if only one parent attends, it can have a positive influence. Children whose mothers attended church services “tended to exhibit greater social competence than children whose parents never attended church,” and that “children were less likely to have internalizing behavior problems (in terms of anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem, and sadness) if either of their parents attended church services and/or if both parents attended with the same frequency (i.e. either sporadically or frequently.)”

He also said that “children were more likely to report feeling sad or lonely when their parents argued frequently about religion,” showing that parents need to be united in their religious choice if they want to experience the benefits that church attendance can bring. He noted that “children whose fathers attended church and those whose parents both attended church frequently were less likely to report feeling sad or lonely,” than those who did not and “children whose parents both attended church frequently tended to exhibit higher levels of self control” than children whose parents did not attend. He also found that “parent-child discussions about religion predicted higher self-control in children. In contrast, parental arguments about religion predicted lower self-control in children,” and “according to parents’ reports, more frequent discussions with their children on religion was associated with a higher level of children’s self control.”

This extra parent-child discussion can be accomplished by having a weekly family night, where religious principles are discussed in a family setting, such as what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints encourages its members to do every Monday evening. This ‘Family Home Evening’ night consists of a religious lesson or discussion with all family members, coupled with a fun family activity and special treats. Members are strongly encouraged to keep this night free of any other commitments, so that other activities do not get in the way. This family night is considered to be so important, in fact, that LDS church leaders even promise members that if they have these Family Home Evenings along with their regular church attendance and daily family prayer and scripture study as a family, that their children will not stray from the path of righteousness.

In light of these findings, if you don’t currently attend any particular religion and/or if you and your spouse do not agree on your religious beliefs, it appears that it would be beneficial to any family to sit down and truly evaluate their own beliefs and then act upon them by finding a religious group to attend. At the very least, gather your family together and write down a list of things you believe in, even if it’s just the greater good of mankind and a code of ethical behavior that will bring greater happiness. Then take some time once a week to reflect on those things as a family and as individuals. Don’t automatically dismiss religions that you don’t really know much about – investigate different churches together as a family. Everyone must start somewhere, and if weekly church attendance has been proven to improve family happiness, isn’t it worth it to at least take some time to really honestly think about what it is you believe, and then perhaps investigate various religious beliefs to see if you can’t find one that suits you?

There are literally thousands of religious groups on our planet, almost all of which have some merit and beliefs that would enhance family happiness. If you have never read the Bible, the Koran, the Book of Mormon, the Torah, or other religious texts, maybe it’s time you did. If something is this important to family happiness, do you really think it will benefit you to write off religion without first investigating it with an open mind, prayerfully/meditatively researching the religions that are out there with “full purpose of heart” and an honest desire to find the truth? In fact, if you truly want to have a happy family, it may actually be selfish and irresponsible not to.

For Further Reading:

Objective Hope, Assessing the Effectiveness of Faith-Based Organizations: A Review of the Literature by Byron R. Johnson

The Real Root Causes of Violent Crime: The Breakdown of Marriage, Family, and Community by Patrick F. Fagan

Why Religion Matters Even More: The Impact of Religious Practice on Social Stability by Patrick F. Fagan Ph.D.